Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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