If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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