sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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