i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
