my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
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