We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
