I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
