Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
