he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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