I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
