I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
