i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
