Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
