omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
