its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
