my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
