I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
