Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
