Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
