your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
