Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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