After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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