It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
