You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
