I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
