She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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