It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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