I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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