i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
