Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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