Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
