they need to just BURY HIM!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
