take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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