Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if only i could text you this smell
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
