how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
