I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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