well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
