At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm like, not good at living.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
