Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
