apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
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She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
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Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision