Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.