he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just threw up on my dentist
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
