Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He has the fingertips of a God
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