It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
