put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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