apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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