$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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