Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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