So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
COCAINE IS GR8
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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