the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
