When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
