a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
