Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
