oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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