My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
